• I had headaches every single day. 
• I was on 2 asthma medications that were giving me bad side effects.  (Including a 25lb weight gain and thrush.  If you don’t know what thrush is; count yourself fortunate.)
• I have no actual energy but I am hyper all the time. 
• I can’t focus.
• I’m fat.  I was OK with this for a long time, but my weight hit a point where I was now physically uncomfortable.  Sitting in a restaurant, just being… I was aware of the weight and I was uncomfortable.  So that got my attention.
• Ultimately, this systemic candida outbreak was the clincher for me.  As I read about it, I am overwhelmed by the information and the steps necessary to kill this tiny replicating demon.  It is subversive and evil.  However, the symptoms are bad enough that I was finally willing to make some of the bigger changes.

My life that sounds miserable when I look back.

I have been incredibly stressed the past few weeks.  I was shocked when I lost weight last week at our weigh in.  I doubt seriously that I will have lost this week.  I "fell off the wagon" in eating and exercising this past week.  It wasn't horrible (certainly nothing like how I might have eaten before I started this journey), but I'm not happy about it.

I realize that making the wrong choice and feeling bad about it is part of this process.  I can remember the next time how I feel afterwards and make better choices.

Still I am determined to focus on the positives (not to Susie Sunshine it all, but to keep myself from beating myself up -- because seriously, most of us do enough of this already!).

Positive:  still no soda for me.  I had a few sips of a cup at an event and didn't drink the rest. YAY!
Positive: was offered brownies and only ate half of a bite sized piece!  YAY!
Positive: I'm doing smoothies most morning and want a smoothie for lunch even.  I would like to keep doing this more!

Caution:  I have fallen into cereal a bit.  Not like I used to so there's my YAY! but cereal is an addiction that needs to be watched very carefully.  Another YAY, it was Wheat Chex and Organic Granola with Berries not Capt'n Crunch. 

Goal:  exercise 3x/week
Goal:  consistency in supplements
Goal:  2-3 days/week, 2 smoothies/day -- I did this last week for 2 days and felt great! 

I've also hit a big turning point in my life.
As of 9:57p tonight I have no volunteer responsibilities!
I am usually involved in something (kids school, church, friends, teaching, face painting -- something).  My last responsibility ended tonight and I am free to work on just my job and my family and spend time with friends and enjoy myself.

Of course, I am already scheming on what other things I can do with all this down time (all this downtime, I crack myself up really)...but for at least a month, I will do nothing.  Hopefull I'll make it to the end of the summer.  That would be great!

Maybe I can go back to weekly massage and acupuncture!  That makes a big difference and it would be great to do that again!

It's getting better all the time!!

Good news, I weighed in today with every expectation that I had gained weight.  I'm even on my cycle (sorry for the TMI) but it's an even bigger deal that I actually LOST 1 LB because of that TMI.  I'm so happy.  It means that even with my failure to exercise this week all my cookie neglect paid off.  I feel encouraged and excited that I may actually be doing this (not just able, but actively doing this).


The bad news is I am once again over committed and anxiety ridden and stressed because I've not left enough time to do some things and now I have to push myself to get it all complete.  I truly hate when I do this and yet it's a pattern I see.


Why is there SO MUCH that needs fixing and I'm seeing all of it now?  Is God focusing my "need to achieve" over commitment on myself?  Where I'll be so busy with drawing closer to him to manage what is going on in my heart, head and body that there is no room for anything else?


Hmmmm

I'll start by saying I sincerely doubt I could ever pull it off.
Not for a day, not for a week.
Certainly not for multiple weeks.
Not without a miraculously good attorney who wants to work for free to get me off for having killed someone.

So with all those caveats...
I am considering the HCG Diet.
I just wanted to give voice to it so I can then tell myself what I really think which is that this is not for me and I don't even think it's the healthiest way to lose weight.

I just keep seeing people losing weight on it.
So there.

At work we are having a "get fit challenge."

I am a team leader and while I may not get fit myself, I will encourage my team to! (I actually will at least begin the process of getting fit.)
We have several goals we are hoping to meet.
An overall goal (mine is to lose 15 lbs in 12 weeks)
Weekly goals: exercise, nutrition & sleep

So I am down for:
exercise 3x/week for 30 mins (think sweat!)

And that for 2 days running I've significantly reduced sugar and...

IM from today....

me:  I think my mantra this week should be NO COOKIES

K:  that's doable
K:  remember: attainable goals

me:  I'm not even hungry but those crack cookies are down there SINGING TO ME
me:  wooing me
me:  calling me
me:  they have to be one of the best cookies ever

K: My sis likes the deep fried cakes of EVIL

me:  that's what they are, deep fried cakes of EVIL

K:  think of the cookies as the EVIL brother to the donuts
K:  only baked

me:  I used to not ever have them (deep fried cakes of EVIL), then slowly started partaking them again

K:  not too big on the EVIL death cakes

me:  same with french fries
me:  though I find those easier to have just a few and stop

K:  and they are soooo tasty
K:  EVIL deep fried potato sticks

me:  I'd honestly rather have "sweet potato's" (quotes because they are really yams.  Yams = orange, sweet potato's = white, slightly yellow)

K:  silly

me:  COOKIES SHUT UP!!!!

...later...

K:  are you working late tonight?

me:  what cookies?
me:  honest, I walked by and they JUMPED into my mouth
me:  chased me even
me:  Horror Movie Cookies

K:  you are a baaaad girl
K:  just remember, everyone usually dies in horror movies.

stupid deep fried EVIL's baked brother

Protein in the morning -- gosh, just eating breakfast -- is huge.
I've watched what a difference eating protein for breakfast and those first few snacks (and lunch) really makes.  The more protein and the less sugar I consume, the less sugar I want and the healthier I am.

I have been through several protein powders.  The best tasting was HerbalLife's vanilla.  However, it's soy based and I'm not supposed to have a lot of soy, so that's out.

I'm now using a rice based protein powder to help with the cleanse.  It's not great, but now that I have this smoothie recipe - it's actually pretty tasty!

1 scoop protein powder
1/4 cup orange juice
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup ice (optional)
1/2 frozen banana (be sure to peel before freezing)
2 frozen strawberries
handful of blueberries

BLEND WELL

Enjoy!!

The OJ makes this recipe.  I've had other smoothies using water and they were... icky and not to be repeated.  If I am going to use a smoothie as a meal replacement, it should taste decent, don't you think?  I don't want to live a life with icky tasting food and I don't think that is what is necessary to lose weight - though there will be some adjustment.  (see sugar issues--Choc Choc Chip Haagen Daz anybody?)

The frozen fruit and addition of 1/2 banana also make it thick and not watery.  I usually eyeball the ingredients.  This makes about 12-13 oz. (I only know that because of the disposable coffee cup I use at work.)

I have a blender at work.  I bring a stash of frozen fruit and OJ in and replace as necessary.  I also keep protein powder at work (as well as at home) because I'm terrible (terrible) at planning things for myself to eat and end up scarfing down copious amounts of peanut m&ms and other such evil because I've not eaten and now I'm famished!  I close the kitchen door and blend away - it is fairly loud.

Years ago when I was doing HerbalLife, my friend used to blend 2 shakes for herself and bring one with her.  She would keep it in a shaker and put it in the fridge.  She said they were fine.  So I'm sure that's another option.

My next goal is to find a peanut butter smoothie recipe that won't be 1000 calories (see Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Smoothie for an unsettling experience).

I've been on Weight Watchers for 10 weeks (11 weeks?) and have lost the same 3 lbs several times.  I am terrible at tracking because it's laborious for me, but I do think that it's all a good idea.  Will I continue when they are done?  I'm not sure, but weighing in each week sure does keep you honest!  Maybe I should get a scale for my bathroom.


Still, after a women's retreat weekend including a chocolate fountain... I still lost (though a small amount - we are celebrating all victory at this point).


I am encouraged to push forward.  One of my fellow WW gals has lost 9lbs and that is pretty exciting.  So I want to try harder and stop allowing myself to languish in the same  place I've been for years -- eating whatever I want without regard to the consequences.


What does this mean?
It means I need to PLAN AHEAD!
This can ultimately be good.  If we do this as a family, it could be a nice healthy thing we all do together!  All make lunch for the next day.  It could be nice.


Right now though, my house is a disaster.  I need to pull the carpet up because after a dog who pee'd everywhere (he lives someplace else now) and a cat who is following suit -- it smells and I don't think any cleaning is going to help it.  I've always thought carpet in a main house with children is just silly anyway.  I just don't want it to look stupid if I pull it all up.  I get so easily overwhelmed by all there is to do.  My cleaning lady quit (she actually just stopped coming and I even tipped her weekly).  I have somebody else now, but I'm embarrassed.  I know I need help but part of me feels like I really need to do this myself.  I haven't felt that way before so is this something I'm supposed to do on my own?  Why does life have to be so hard (and these aren't even real problems in the scheme of life)?!


So, one step at a time.  


Goals this week:
Get downstairs clean.
Pull up carpet in dining room -- how can I cut it?  Will have to look into this.
Make lunch once.
Bring shake stuff in to work so I have it to eat there. :)


I had another goal and I accomplished it today.  I've been putting off making an appointment with another dermatologist for my daughter and I did that today.  I set an appointment on my cell and that made a difference.  I just need something to remind me.  
I have to find ways to get around myself to remember it all!


-----
My pregnant kitty is making a lot of noise.  I wonder if she's going into labor.  Sigh.  I want to be here when she is just in case, but the chances are slim that I will be.

today's prayer:
(OK, it's yesterday's prayer but I missed yesterday so I'm doing this one)

Deuteronomy 30:1
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Remember when I said I was blaming everything on the detox?  Well, here I go.
I had a bad weekend eating.  Not as bad as it would have been a few months ago, but by the new standards, still not great. (I was about to go back on that comment and say I actually ate pretty well, but then I went over my diet Friday night and I couldn't accurately type those words).


In addition... don't tell Kaci... I kind of didn't do all my supplements Saturday and Sunday.  I forgot them at home not once, but twice and then I thought... gosh, it's nice having no supplements, so I didn't take them on Sunday afternoon when I got home (and could have).  THAT is why I gained .8 lbs.  See, it's still because of detox. {twinkle}


So, weigh in at Weight Watchers today.  I was less than happy.  Lots of other people did really well so that's good! (sincerely)  One of the men asked about margaritas and we all gasped when we heard they average 9pts!  EEK!  He still lost almost 4 lbs this week so now I hate him. Only men lose weight that fast!  Sheesh.


So, the good thing about knowing I gained weight is that I won't gain anymore and it will serve to focus me on doing better this coming week.  I also joined a challenge to exercise for 10 to 15 minutes a day.  Which you know, I haven't really done yet today.  I'll have to go do some floor work and crunches before I lay down.


At Bible Study tonight we talked about all the distractions in life that keep us from hearing God's voice.  We've truly managed to create a culture that is ADD.  We need more entertainment constantly to keep our attention.  I am guilty of it too.  One of my favorite ways to spend time is watching a movie while surfing the Internet.  (usually on Pinterest)  I actually had to take a week off from Pinterest because my wrist hurt.  (sadness)  


I believe that behaving this way ultimately leads to dissatisfaction.  Because we program ourselves to always want a little more.  (well, maybe wanting more is part of the human condition, but the technology overload certainly adds fuel to the fire.  Perhaps living a slightly more organic life with fuller relationships we would be less self destructive.  


This is my goal.  Less self destruction.  I want the best God and life have for me. 


(The only word my spellchecker stopped on was Pinterest.  Who wrote this dictionary???)