Kicking & Screaming My Way to Health

the dreaded exercise

Exorcise? (tee hee)
Lord I dislike that word. I actually have a set of 15 minute exercise class video's I can do.
I've done them once!
FIFTEEN bloody minutes and I've done it ONCE!
I have to find a way to convince myself.

I'm coming up against my own rebellion.
Against what I want now and what I want later.
Now... eat and do what I want.
Later... be healthier and more active and hopefully happier in relationships.

aaaahhhhhhhhhhh
I need to go exercise!
sigh

OK
15 minutes.
Tomorrow! 15 minutes.
Seriously. This is NOT HARD!

journey...and a battle

I’m not a lifelong dieter. Now, if you could see me (and my weight) you might think to yourself “duh” but there it is. I’ve always believed that dieting doesn’t work. If you are fair, you will agree with me because all those dieters just keep going on and off diets and end up with 3 sets of clothing depending on the size they are today. I have actually stayed mostly the same size for my adult life.

I was thinner before my first child. Gave birth and within a year was down a size lower than I started. No diet. Just youth and a part time waitressing gig that I think worked off all the weight. (sigh) I looked good. So good that I got pregnant again. I’m still trying to lose the baby weight. The joke is that my second child is 12 years old.

I have steadily added some pounds over the past several years. About 25 lbs. That is a scary number. I believe it is due partially to age and partially to the addition of steroids to control asthma. Those things are killer! I managed to get off the steroids (with the help of the magnificent Kaci-acupuncturist and herbologist) and lost 15 of those lbs. I’m going to be brave here and tell you what I weight. 209! For a short person, I carry it reasonably well (I stick with a large bust being a distraction), but still that’s way too high. (another DUH)

So dieting doesn’t work. Life change does. So I am trying to do life change. Not easy. (Maybe I should name this entry DUH.) I have always just eaten what I wanted to. I never thought I was an emotional eater or had an eating disorder or anything like that. I was a PMS eater, but hey, who is going to mess with a woman with PMS and her chocolate?

So on this journey of what feels like denial… All. The. Time! I’ve learned some things about myself.

I am an emotional eater.

I have used food to reward myself for a very long time. I’m grateful I’m not heavier than I am. I’ve learned that I am a broken person. Perhaps more broken than I realized or maybe just broken differently than I realized. I have a very lonely marriage and I am now seeing that I fill that loneliness with sugar. So far, it’s worked pretty good. Sugar makes me happy. But aging, I’m seeing that I’m tired all the time. I don’t feel good, all the time. I have a headache, all the time. And as I search for ways to combat this, it turns out everything is connected.

PCOS, Candida, Adrenal Fatigue, Mood Disorder, PMS, Thyroid Issues, Tiredness, Headaches, High Triglycerides, Allergies, Asthma

I could go on. They are all caused by each other. They are all the effects of each other. And guess what! They all are made worse by sugar and diet.

This is quite honestly overwhelming. I didn’t realize how much I love sugar. How dependent on it I am. Emotionally and physically. It seems like I can’t overcome this. Not that I’m going to give up, it’s just each step I make never seems enough. At some point I am going to have to make some bigger commitments. I keep wanting to bargain with myself.

I realized the other day when I was trying to have a “fast” from sugar I suddenly thought about just eating whatever I wanted and it was a desire to really binge and I thought… wow! Where did that come from? I’m not really a binger (more a steady streamer). My heart just breaks for people who live like that and are constantly struggling with binging food. It also scared me because I certainly don’t want to be in a position where I enter another problem with food. That’s just what I need.

So, just sharing what this journey is like. I found a website about a woman’s plan for removing candida and she said something encouraging. About how she felt deprived for the first 6 months but is now feeling joyful and alive. The problem is looking past the step I’m on. I am a researcher, but when I research the people all say that you practically have to give up every food I eat, that even peanuts aren’t good for you or broccoli if it hasn’t been grown properly and it all just freaks me out and I think – I’m just not willing to live that way.

Yes, you hear growing hysteria in that last sentence. So I come back and focus on today and this hour and what step I’m on. What can I do now?

It’s not just a journey…it’s a battle.

this sucks

So, in an effort to remain honest about my journey (you know because I've really lacked candor thus far), I am here to tell you that this process officially.... sucks.

I know our society is consumed with weight. (ha, I laugh... consumed...weight...)

I've been a part of a fitness challenge at work and while I appreciate the $5 gift cards for just weighing in each week, the depression caused by these weigh ins may not be worth it. Up, down, up, down. I have been losing the same 5 lbs for most of this year. If you hadn't noticed, it's June 1st.

What isn't fair -- wait, I tell my kids all the time that life isn't fair and nobody promised it would be so I can't use that -- what sucks (much better) is that I have actually made some really major changes in my life that one would certainly believe should have an impact on driving my weight down.

I have been getting vitamin infusions on a weekly basis pretty consistently since January. This has helped me keep from getting ill.
I have all but given up breakfast cereal as one of the main food groups in my life. This is a lifelong love affair with cereal. One that I sincerely never thought I would break.
I gave up soda. All of it. Now years ago, when I was in real estate, a bunch of co-workers started seeing a nutritionist and were told to cut out ONE DIET SODA A DAY. They lost weight! Did you read that? One lousy diet soda per say and they lost weight! So unfair. Oh wait, of course it is, life is unfair! sigh (by the way, that 21 day thing about not eating something for a certain amount of time and you no longer crave it... totally worked with soda for me. I don't crave it and now that I no longer drink it daily, I no longer love the taste.)
I have been working on reducing sugar intake. Now, I've also been horrified at how much sugar I actually eat so this one has been particularly hard. I am back to drinking more water and going with iced tea instead and on a path to drink it with like 1 or 0 sugars.
No fast food. This was easy becuase I had already significantly reduced the whole fast food experience. After watching Food, Inc. I can't eat it anymore. The thought nauseates me.

These are really big changes for me. Don't you agree that there should be some weight loss along with it?

Now, I am smart enough to know that weight isn't the only issue. This is a process and being healthy is super important -- really more important than a number on a scale. I'm also human AND female. Fat chicks just aren't cool and as I work on my life and my marriage, I know this is an issue.

So you may be asking yourself if I have any insight into why this is happening. Thanks for asking, yes, I have some ideas.

There has been some major emotional turmoil in my life for the past year, maybe longer. This weighs heavily upon me and the details are really for another post... or another blog. I'm learning about the whole "emotional eating" thing. Emotions are powerful. While my intake has been reasonable (most of the time) the emotions put my body into stress that makes it want to prepare for disaster. I'll be reading up on this theory this weekend.

Emotional turmoil causes stress and has pretty much exhausted my adrenal glands. (more reading)

So all those quotes about being happy and choosing your attitude and such -- they have a lot of power but you need to own it.

So here's to owning a happier me. If there is a way, I'm going to do it.

stress is a killer

I have been incredibly stressed the past few weeks. I was shocked when I lost weight last week at our weigh in. I doubt seriously that I will have lost this week. I "fell off the wagon" in eating and exercising this past week. It wasn't horrible (certainly nothing like how I might have eaten before I started this journey), but I'm not happy about it.

I realize that making the wrong choice and feeling bad about it is part of this process. I can remember the next time how I feel afterwards and make better choices.

Still I am determined to focus on the positives (not to Susie Sunshine it all, but to keep myself from beating myself up -- because seriously, most of us do enough of this already!).

Positive: still no soda for me. I had a few sips of a cup at an event and didn't drink the rest. YAY!
Positive: was offered brownies and only ate half of a bite sized piece! YAY!
Positive: I'm doing smoothies most morning and want a smoothie for lunch even. I would like to keep doing this more!

Caution: I have fallen into cereal a bit. Not like I used to so there's my YAY! but cereal is an addiction that needs to be watched very carefully. Another YAY, it was Wheat Chex and Organic Granola with Berries not Capt'n Crunch.

Goal: exercise 3x/week
Goal: consistency in supplements
Goal: 2-3 days/week, 2 smoothies/day -- I did this last week for 2 days and felt great!

I've also hit a big turning point in my life.
As of 9:57p tonight I have no volunteer responsibilities!
I am usually involved in something (kids school, church, friends, teaching, face painting -- something). My last responsibility ended tonight and I am free to work on just my job and my family and spend time with friends and enjoy myself.

Of course, I am already scheming on what other things I can do with all this down time (all this downtime, I crack myself up really)...but for at least a month, I will do nothing. Hopefull I'll make it to the end of the summer. That would be great!

Maybe I can go back to weekly massage and acupuncture! That makes a big difference and it would be great to do that again!

It's getting better all the time!!

good news / bad news

Good news, I weighed in today with every expectation that I had gained weight. I'm even on my cycle (sorry for the TMI) but it's an even bigger deal that I actually LOST 1 LB because of that TMI. I'm so happy. It means that even with my failure to exercise this week all my cookie neglect paid off. I feel encouraged and excited that I may actually be doing this (not just able, but actively doing this).

The bad news is I am once again over committed and anxiety ridden and stressed because I've not left enough time to do some things and now I have to push myself to get it all complete. I truly hate when I do this and yet it's a pattern I see.

Why is there SO MUCH that needs fixing and I'm seeing all of it now? Is God focusing my "need to achieve" over commitment on myself? Where I'll be so busy with drawing closer to him to manage what is going on in my heart, head and body that there is no room for anything else?

Hmmmm

don't judge me

I'll start by saying I sincerely doubt I could ever pull it off.
Not for a day, not for a week.
Certainly not for multiple weeks.
Not without a miraculously good attorney who wants to work for free to get me off for having killed someone.

So with all those caveats...
I am considering the HCG Diet.
I just wanted to give voice to it so I can then tell myself what I really think which is that this is not for me and I don't even think it's the healthiest way to lose weight.

I just keep seeing people losing weight on it.
So there.

week 1...again

At work we are having a "get fit challenge."

I am a team leader and while I may not get fit myself, I will encourage my team to! (I actually will at least begin the process of getting fit.)
We have several goals we are hoping to meet.
An overall goal (mine is to lose 15 lbs in 12 weeks)
Weekly goals: exercise, nutrition & sleep

So I am down for:
exercise 3x/week for 30 mins (think sweat!)

take my supplements 1-2x/day (week 1 only) & lower sugar intake

sleep 7 hours week 5 days

I actually accomplished my exercise and sleep goals and most of my nutritional goals. I'll be powering those up more this next week.

Honestly, my biggest win is that I actually exercised 3x!!

And that for 2 days running I've significantly reduced sugar and...

and...

2 days of what I affectionately call "Crack Cookies" (because you can't stop eating them) or Deep Fried EVIL's Baked Brother being available and I've NOT EATEN ANY!!!

My goal this next week - mentally - is to stop thinking how I think and give myself a new perspective. Just because I weighed in today (up .2 lbs btw) does not mean I can celebrate/commiserate with Crack Cookies!

This wasn't very humorous or interesting and I apologize.

Just remember...

I'll do anything to lose weight.

Except eat right and exercise.