This is a journey.  I know that but still.

Today was emotional.
I joined Weight Watchers at work.  We have just started on-site meetings (next week).  I hemmed and hawed about it and had actually decided not to join because I felt I already had a diet plan and a good idea of what to do moving forward.  I cannot believe what I am saying, but... Dr Oz* and Jennifer Hudson changed my mind.  They showed a special show/DVD at work during lunch on Jennifer Hudson's weight change and how she made those decisions and life changes.  She looked fit and strong and had a dose of attitude -- which I love.

It was fairly uneventful really.  We were having lunch (Pasta day at work so my coworker and I split lunch as always).  I heard Jennifer Hudson talk about a few recipes while in line and then watched her do a short exercise bit on a few things she does regularly.  I mean, I watched for maybe 10 minutes.  I kept crying.  Water leaking out of my eyes.  I kind of sprung a leak.  I stopped eating.  I lost my appetite.  I just couldn't eat the rest of the pasta because I saw it differently.  There was a sign up table at the front of the room and I walked over to find out what I needed to start.

I signed up.
I weighed in.  I think I lost another pound!  But as I sit here typing, now I'm wondering if I actually gained a pound!  ha  No matter, this is not a journey of pounds but steps to a better life. 
I start Tuesday.

Kaci asked me later if I could identify why I was crying.  I couldn't really.  I wasn't sad, I was overwhelmed.  Thinking... 

Perhaps it's the idea that I can do this.  Seeing somebody else succeed is encouraging.  Listening to her say do 25 squats or pick a part of your body you want to look better and do a couple exercises each day to work on that area.  With a bit more time I'm thinking it's also the idea that I don't have to keep going on this way, stuck in the same rut I've been in for years.

When we began, Kaci asked me why I was doing this.  It's not for health though it is.  I've known about my health problems for years and have done nothing about them.  When I have to articulate that my ultimate answer is that I want the life God has for me and I know I'm not living it right now. 

I have spent years..... years trying to make my marriage and family life look like something resembling the vision in my mind.  I wasn't even going for perfection, just something in the same general look and feel.  No luck.  I've read books and articles about marriage and parenting with some minor success.  I've paid for conferences and training programs.  Done Bible Studies etc.  Ultimately, none of them worked enough to make the change necessary for my home life to change.

I know a lot.  I'm not bragging, I'm a studier and I like to learn so I do research and read and such.  Knowledge isn't enough.  I needed a key to unlock the mystery of change for myself.  I never would have expected change when I started taking care of myself!!  It doesn't fit what I think I know about the world and my faith.  I've made a life out of trying to look outward.  It's not that I'm selfless, but I love to serve and help and pitch in etc.  Include me and let me help share the burden or the load.  It's how God wired me. 

PRAISE REPORT:  After not eating the pasta today, I also did not have a soda today -- or any candy.  I went a whole day without candy or soda and I was OK.  I didn't even crave it terribly.  I just want this detox to do everything it is supposed to do and help me on a new path.

Seriously, even saying no soda today my tongue is messing with me.  "No soda today?  Man, you really deserve a soda.  Maybe you should go have one now?"

No soda today.  Sorry.  We're going to bed at a decent hour and calling it a day.

(publish post.  shut laptop.)


*Disclaimer:  I'm not really an "Oz-ite." (or a Phil-ite or an O worshipper).  Yeah, I see he does good stuff, but that's about all I was willing go give him credit for.