Kicking & Screaming My Way to Health: sugar

Showing posts with label sugar. Show all posts

sugar binge

I binged on sugar this weekend.
I am sad.

Thinking about why...

My husband purchased and brought this
into the house. This is a man who just never buys sugar cereal! So I'm perplexed at his motives. Perhaps he was trying to be nice to the kids. Well, I am a recovering Cereal-Aholic. So, I had 4 bowls in 2 days and they were wonderful and crunchy and nutty and I enjoyed every last bite.
But then I didn't feel great and my tongue was sore and I now only wanted sugar.
You know how Dexter talks about his dark passenger? Sugar is my dark passenger. She must be controlled.
I have not planned for success. I need to have good, satisfying food in the house and I have not done this. I live in the moment (part of my blue/yellow personality). This must change! I'm not sure why this particular step is so difficult for me.
It was very (very) hot out so I really didn't want to go anywhere.

So now, I'm getting back on the bandwagon. I have to go through a little of the sugar withdrawl again; and I'm weighing if that was worth the crunchy milky yum of the cereal. I'm not entirely sure it was.

Sometimes this journey has a step back. That is OK, as long as I keep moving forward again!

I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. Dale Carnegie

I never thought I’d do this

I never thought I’d do this.

I have to say… I was not this person.

When I heard people say, “Oh Equal is poison, you really shouldn’t use it!” I thought, “Yeah, whatever! If there is a problem with this stuff it will happen to me because I use so much of it.” And went haughtily on my merry way. Because honestly, if I listen to everything everyone says I would live in a bubble on air. The one issue with the internet is that there is so much information and much of it is contradictory. We need to learn to find information that resonates as true and be willing to vet the sources to confirm our facts. Remember the old warning “Anything that sounds too good to be true probably is.” (try teaching that to kids who start using the internet and are viewing these clever marketing ads tempting them to give information to win a non-existent prize.

I am going off on a tangent there.

I was saying that I’m not this person. I was the “I will eat what I want, when I want and as much as I want person. “ I didn’t ration myself or try to limit food. I tried to eat protein with sugar so I didn’t get a headache, but still.

I don’t exercise, I eat what I want, I have poor sleep habits.

It does catch up with you.

Perhaps pain and discomfort are the only thing some of us will listen to. I joke that God often needs a 2x4 to get my attention. Not because He needs to yell at me but because I force Him to that point. I keep pushing back and God cares enough to ride it out with me. (Thank you God!)

So… why am I changing?

I had headaches every single day.
I was on 2 asthma medications that were giving me bad side effects. (Including a 25lb weight gain and thrush. If you don’t know what thrush is; count yourself fortunate.)
I have no actual energy but I am hyper all the time.
I can’t focus.
I’m fat. I was OK with this for a long time, but my weight hit a point where I was now physically uncomfortable. Sitting in a restaurant, just being… I was aware of the weight and I was uncomfortable. So that got my attention.
Ultimately, this systemic candida outbreak was the clincher for me. As I read about it, I am overwhelmed by the information and the steps necessary to kill this tiny replicating demon. It is subversive and evil. However, the symptoms are bad enough that I was finally willing to make some of the bigger changes.

SUGAR

I’ve talked about what I’m giving up. Some of the changes I’ve made.

· Less sugar, lowering the amount in my coffee.

· Drinking more water.

· Going on supplements.

· Stopping soda.

· No longer drinking sugary drinks.

· No dessert and candy.

My life that sounds miserable when I look back.

I don’t feel miserable though! I feel excited.

I’ve made these changes slowly over a year. Taking on one thing at a time (sometimes several things, but I find that leads to failure pretty quickly). It’s been a one step forward, half a step back, 2 steps forward, 2 steps back… and so on. But at the end of this past year, I’m in a better place than I was and I’m only counting the progress.

checking in on my journey

To date, I've still not lost much weight.
However, I have made some good changes.

I stopped drinking soda -- which I really though I would hold on to much longer than I did.
I went to iced tea for a while and while that was less sugar, I was still adding sugar.

I had a few ice blended Mocha's from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and was pleased to learn they were too sweet for me and I requested less powder. Would never have considered that as a possibility for me before.

I have to be very careful to maintain where I am. I cannot let myself look too far down the path to all that I should or may accomplish with this. (ie: going sugar and carb free) because ultimately, I don't really want to do that. I want to be healthy, but I already feel like I don't have so much to eat and I worry that a turkey sandwich (with or without bread) every day is going to get old. Then what will I do?

I am trying to stick with what is right in front of me.
Less sugar going for no sugar.
More exercise (almost anything will count at this point.)

I did notice that I am having a few fantasies about being really healthy and fit and feeling better and having a nice body. There is some fear involved, but I want to be more than what I am. (or less of what I am?)

Looking forward to where I end up.
Couldn't do it without the help I'm getting.
Seriously, Enspirit Wellness in Lake Forest (hi Kaci!) have made such a positive and encouraging impact on my journey. I'm sure there is much I wouldn't have even considered without them. I am so grateful my insurance includes their services!

I am

journey...and a battle

I’m not a lifelong dieter. Now, if you could see me (and my weight) you might think to yourself “duh” but there it is. I’ve always believed that dieting doesn’t work. If you are fair, you will agree with me because all those dieters just keep going on and off diets and end up with 3 sets of clothing depending on the size they are today. I have actually stayed mostly the same size for my adult life.

I was thinner before my first child. Gave birth and within a year was down a size lower than I started. No diet. Just youth and a part time waitressing gig that I think worked off all the weight. (sigh) I looked good. So good that I got pregnant again. I’m still trying to lose the baby weight. The joke is that my second child is 12 years old.

I have steadily added some pounds over the past several years. About 25 lbs. That is a scary number. I believe it is due partially to age and partially to the addition of steroids to control asthma. Those things are killer! I managed to get off the steroids (with the help of the magnificent Kaci-acupuncturist and herbologist) and lost 15 of those lbs. I’m going to be brave here and tell you what I weight. 209! For a short person, I carry it reasonably well (I stick with a large bust being a distraction), but still that’s way too high. (another DUH)

So dieting doesn’t work. Life change does. So I am trying to do life change. Not easy. (Maybe I should name this entry DUH.) I have always just eaten what I wanted to. I never thought I was an emotional eater or had an eating disorder or anything like that. I was a PMS eater, but hey, who is going to mess with a woman with PMS and her chocolate?

So on this journey of what feels like denial… All. The. Time! I’ve learned some things about myself.

I am an emotional eater.

I have used food to reward myself for a very long time. I’m grateful I’m not heavier than I am. I’ve learned that I am a broken person. Perhaps more broken than I realized or maybe just broken differently than I realized. I have a very lonely marriage and I am now seeing that I fill that loneliness with sugar. So far, it’s worked pretty good. Sugar makes me happy. But aging, I’m seeing that I’m tired all the time. I don’t feel good, all the time. I have a headache, all the time. And as I search for ways to combat this, it turns out everything is connected.

PCOS, Candida, Adrenal Fatigue, Mood Disorder, PMS, Thyroid Issues, Tiredness, Headaches, High Triglycerides, Allergies, Asthma

I could go on. They are all caused by each other. They are all the effects of each other. And guess what! They all are made worse by sugar and diet.

This is quite honestly overwhelming. I didn’t realize how much I love sugar. How dependent on it I am. Emotionally and physically. It seems like I can’t overcome this. Not that I’m going to give up, it’s just each step I make never seems enough. At some point I am going to have to make some bigger commitments. I keep wanting to bargain with myself.

I realized the other day when I was trying to have a “fast” from sugar I suddenly thought about just eating whatever I wanted and it was a desire to really binge and I thought… wow! Where did that come from? I’m not really a binger (more a steady streamer). My heart just breaks for people who live like that and are constantly struggling with binging food. It also scared me because I certainly don’t want to be in a position where I enter another problem with food. That’s just what I need.

So, just sharing what this journey is like. I found a website about a woman’s plan for removing candida and she said something encouraging. About how she felt deprived for the first 6 months but is now feeling joyful and alive. The problem is looking past the step I’m on. I am a researcher, but when I research the people all say that you practically have to give up every food I eat, that even peanuts aren’t good for you or broccoli if it hasn’t been grown properly and it all just freaks me out and I think – I’m just not willing to live that way.

Yes, you hear growing hysteria in that last sentence. So I come back and focus on today and this hour and what step I’m on. What can I do now?

It’s not just a journey…it’s a battle.

week 1...again

At work we are having a "get fit challenge."

I am a team leader and while I may not get fit myself, I will encourage my team to! (I actually will at least begin the process of getting fit.)
We have several goals we are hoping to meet.
An overall goal (mine is to lose 15 lbs in 12 weeks)
Weekly goals: exercise, nutrition & sleep

So I am down for:
exercise 3x/week for 30 mins (think sweat!)

take my supplements 1-2x/day (week 1 only) & lower sugar intake

sleep 7 hours week 5 days

I actually accomplished my exercise and sleep goals and most of my nutritional goals. I'll be powering those up more this next week.

Honestly, my biggest win is that I actually exercised 3x!!

And that for 2 days running I've significantly reduced sugar and...

and...

2 days of what I affectionately call "Crack Cookies" (because you can't stop eating them) or Deep Fried EVIL's Baked Brother being available and I've NOT EATEN ANY!!!

My goal this next week - mentally - is to stop thinking how I think and give myself a new perspective. Just because I weighed in today (up .2 lbs btw) does not mean I can celebrate/commiserate with Crack Cookies!

This wasn't very humorous or interesting and I apologize.

Just remember...

I'll do anything to lose weight.

Except eat right and exercise.

deep fried EVIL's brother

IM from today....

me: I think my mantra this week should be NO COOKIES

K: that's doable
K: remember: attainable goals

me: I'm not even hungry but those crack cookies are down there SINGING TO ME
me: wooing me
me: calling me
me: they have to be one of the best cookies ever

K: My sis likes the deep fried cakes of EVIL

me: that's what they are, deep fried cakes of EVIL

K: think of the cookies as the EVIL brother to the donuts
K: only baked

me: I used to not ever have them (deep fried cakes of EVIL), then slowly started partaking them again

K: not too big on the EVIL death cakes

me: same with french fries
me: though I find those easier to have just a few and stop

K: and they are soooo tasty
K: EVIL deep fried potato sticks

me: I'd honestly rather have "sweet potato's" (quotes because they are really yams. Yams = orange, sweet potato's = white, slightly yellow)

K: silly

me: COOKIES SHUT UP!!!!

...later...

K: are you working late tonight?

me: what cookies?
me: honest, I walked by and they JUMPED into my mouth
me: chased me even
me: Horror Movie Cookies

K: you are a baaaad girl
K: just remember, everyone usually dies in horror movies.

stupid deep fried EVIL's baked brother

not giving up

I've been super busy with work lately and while I have much to say!
Got sick (again), however with the immunity IV I was able to schedule on day 1 of illness, I am bouncing back faster than ever.

Current plan of action:

At work we have a Get Fit Challenge and I am a team captain. Goal to exercise 3x/week and (obviously) lose weight. There are cash incentives.
Trying to get back on and be really consistent with my supplements. Rather frustrated with myself for losing momentum as I will again have to go through the ramp up of not feeling well as they once again purge toxins from my body.
Looking into counseling and even hypnotherapy to help me with my (finally?) "admitting" I have a sugar addiction. (note the caveat's there... I am still holding on by my fingernails there.) Purchased additional supplements to help with cravings.
Always need to drink more water.

I am seeing that having a plan is really important. I want to post my goals. I've been to so many sales training and conferences and the one constant is writing down your goals and looking at your written goals daily. That is something many of the most successful people in the world do that others don't. Seeing as I struggle with ADD and focus -- this will hopefully help me remember why I am trying to get healthy.

Perhaps having these posted at home (and work) will help my family encourage me as well.

So, I'm restarting myself today.

Dessert actually made me ill

Women have a special relationship with chocolate.

There is the desire to eat chocolate, which is an ongoing state.
Then there is the don't even think about touching my chocolate because I'm going to eat all of that state of being which is experienced less frequently.

I recently experienced that latter. All I could think about was chocolate. What I really wanted was Hot Fudge Cake a'la Bob's Big Boy (which I learned today actually closed, so I will need to wear black and go into mourning). There were no Bob's near us.

I ventured into the IE (Inland Empire) on Friday with a friend to attend a home Bible study (which was actually pretty good). After, I just had to satisfy my desire for chocolate. We drove around for an appropriate location. Got excited about a Dairy Queen (that is shown on a map but also shows as permanently closed -- um, why even list it if it no longer exists?). Considered Cheesecake Factory then landed at a Carrows; but had to leave before even making it to the front door after watching a police helicoptor hover overhead with it's spotlight going and hearing them from the speakers say "If you cooperate, no one will get hurt." My friend Sher walked straight back to the car and yelled for me to open the doors and get going so we could head back to the safety of the OC.

We finally landed at the Elephant Bar. Restaurant closed, bar open.

I'm not really a bar person. I tried to be cool and sit there with the music blasting and act like it was all ok and I could still have a conversation, but I couldn't pull it off. Before we even ordered, I asked to leave. I now understand why I like Denny's for a cup of coffee and a chat. It's consistently reasonably quiet.

Sher talked the hostess into finding us a spot in the restaurant despite it being closed. We split lettuc wraps and a huge ice cream sandwich with a side of hot fudge. It was so good. Honestly looking back, they could have brought me a ramikin of hot fudge and some whipped cream and I'd have been perfectly happy.

I ate half the dessert.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I went to the loo just in case I did.

I drank some water and tried to get through the sugar bomb I just put in my body. I was talking with my health guru (Hi Kaci) today about he experience. Initially I said that this experience was a new one for me, but upon further reflection, I wonder how often I've experienced it and just didn't consider that what I'd eaten made me feel bad.

I'm currently a little stuck on the fence of this life change.

My habbit of eating irregularly and poorly is still very much engrained in me. I've done this poor behavior for so long I don't even realize I'm doing it. I know a little now and am more aware that what I'm eating isn't good for me -- or rather is good for me since I'm making better choices most days. The idea that I still "need" sugar feels almost like brainwashing. Trying to learn how to live without it -- to realize I do not need it and that at this point, I honestly don't want it in the same way - is going to take some emotional work now.

Why do I want the sugar?
What is going on when I want the sugar?
How am I feeling when i want the sugar?

These are the questions I'll be exploring over the next few weeks.

My goal for the next 2 weeks is this:
Eat breakfast!
Find something new to drink (other than the water I've been pounding) because water is getting boring. I need something with some taste after lunch. I'm thinking I'll go with iced tea (without sugar God help me; no really, God please help me)!

And perhaps the next time I get into a 'give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt' mood, I'll have a cup of hot coco instead and drink it really slowly.

Did you know that Satan is white and granulated?

So, as of last week I was doing pretty well.
Encouraged and seeing a little on the results side of things.
I've managed to get all my pills down daily and that is becoming less of an issue. I do much better at work where life is structured. I will tell you all day that I don't like structure but with just the right amount, I have to admit it does make a difference.

This weekend I learned that old habits die hard and that you have to plan for success.
We ran out of actual food for meals. I have a few things still, tomatoes, lettuce, some broccoli. Not enough for a meal though. More along the lines of snacks.

Saturday went OK. Until I realized I missed one whole portion of my supplements. (where's that "I coulda had a V8 face?) Move on to Sunday.
We went out as a family (always a brave endeavor) to The Galaxy (as in soccer) open house at their stadium to pick seats for season ticket holders. This ended up taking longer than anticipated. They had "gourmet" food trucks but not enough for the volume of people who were there so the lines were like an hour or more long. eek

I didn't want to eat there. Gourmet grilled cheese or Mexican food didn't sound good to me. We decided to get a snack for the kids. A hand scooped ice cream sandwich seemed a good idea. I was not getting one. Feeling so proud of myself for not having that craving for sugar and letting my daughter get the mint ice cream with chocolate cookies. Walking into the shade, H (daughter) gave that icky face meaning "I don't like this" (Yes, 12 year olds still do this). So I had a "taste" which ended up being all the ice cream and one of the cookies. It would have been fine with me if I had really enjoyed eating it; but I didn't It wasn't worth it.

The kids went back for just a scoop of ice cream and after 2 more tried, H found something she thought was yummy and ate it. A (son) was a little easier to please.

Daddy was finally done upgrading his tickets and we still had 45 mins in line for the grilled cheese truck so we left to eat elsewhere. We ended up at Shakey's. My husband (nor my children) had been to Shakey's. While the lunch buffet was over, we got what we needed with pizza, chicken and... yes... mojo potato's. (It may actually be a crime to not order mojos). I already know I'm in trouble here. Adam ordered the salad bar, but I wasn't interested honestly. I ended up with chicken and a slice of pizza which I ate while watching FOOTBALL! For anyone who doesn't know me, this is a bid deal. I don't watch sports. Never have. I was trying to just c hill and be OK with what was going on.

In the end, I missed a whole portion of my supplements again on Sunday. Then I ate candy. I didn't binge and the first piece didn't even taste good, but I was frustrated with not having enough food in the house (hmmmm, didn't I do this last Sunday too?) and what was available to eat. Bed.

Waking up today, I'm ready to get back on track. It's interesting that I didn't actually want the sweets, they did not have my mouth watering, but my mind was so used to that activity that I kind of kept going through the same motions. I realize that having been taking the supplements and not realizing how much of an impact they were making on my palate and what I want to eat --I didn't consider that my palate is only half the battle. The other half is my brain and convincing myself I don't want that snickers bar. The frustration I will have to break through because even not wanting it, even taking a bite and realizing that it is not the promised culinary heaven covered in chocolate... I still ate it. THAT makes me sad.

Does it mean that there is still more going on emotionally?
Does it mean I just need to get off my lazy bum and find more to do?

Weight Watchers starts tomorrow. I have a feeling we'll be dealing with some of these issues.

Till next time... be smart!

Day 2

Feeling better. Apparently, I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water.

No water, all the crud I'm trying to rid my body of just sticks around and has a party. With water they are flushed out.

Eating helped with feeling so nauseas. So I'm feeling better about what I am doing.

I want to follow the low sugar diet plan, but I still feel myself holding onto the white granulated god with double fists. It's all a head game. I've been working on it for years, to "think" like a skinny girl. I see how my sister in law makes food choices and she is so smart about her weight as a lifestyle.

Knowing I am decreasing sugar ... I do OK for a little bit and then I want sweets. I want a "treat". I have eschewed the diet speak and mindset for so long perfectly content with my own perspective of moderation in all things (which I still totally hold on to by the way). The truth I am struggling with is I am not moderate with sugar. I overindulge. I may not overeat at a particular meal, but my daily caloric intake is high because of what I choose to eat. It's the constant flow of candy into my very happy mouth.

Realizing that I am actually hungry for real food, not more junk and doing something about it.