journey...and a battle

I’m not a lifelong dieter.  Now, if you could see me (and my weight) you might think to yourself “duh” but there it is.  I’ve always believed that dieting doesn’t work.  If you are fair, you will agree with me because all those dieters just keep going on and off diets and end up with 3 sets of clothing depending on the size they are today.  I have actually stayed mostly the same size for my adult life. 
I was thinner before my first child.  Gave birth and within a year was down a size lower than I started.  No diet.  Just youth and a part time waitressing gig that I think worked off all the weight.  (sigh)  I looked good.  So good that I got pregnant again.  I’m still trying to lose the baby weight.  The joke is that my second child is 12 years old. 
I have steadily added some pounds over the past several years.  About 25 lbs.  That is a scary number.  I believe it is due partially to age and partially to the addition of steroids to control asthma.  Those things are killer!  I managed to get off the steroids (with the help of the magnificent Kaci-acupuncturist and herbologist) and lost 15 of those lbs.  I’m going to be brave here and tell you what I weight.  209!  For a short person, I carry it reasonably well (I stick with a large bust being a distraction), but still that’s way too high.  (another DUH)
So dieting doesn’t work.  Life change does.  So I am trying to do life change.  Not easy.  (Maybe I should name this entry DUH.)  I have always just eaten what I wanted to.  I never thought I was an emotional eater or had an eating disorder or anything like that.  I was a PMS eater, but hey, who is going to mess with a woman with PMS and her chocolate? 
So on this journey of what feels like denial… All. The.  Time!   I’ve learned some things about myself.
I am an emotional eater.
I have used food to reward myself for a very long time.    I’m grateful I’m not heavier than I am.  I’ve learned that I am a broken person.  Perhaps more broken than I realized or maybe just broken differently than I realized.  I have a very lonely marriage and I am now seeing that I fill that loneliness with sugar.  So far, it’s worked pretty good.  Sugar makes me happy.  But aging, I’m seeing that I’m tired all the time.  I don’t feel good, all the time.  I have a headache, all the time.  And as I search for ways to combat this, it turns out everything is connected. 
PCOS, Candida, Adrenal Fatigue, Mood Disorder, PMS, Thyroid Issues, Tiredness, Headaches, High Triglycerides, Allergies, Asthma

I could go on.  They are all caused by each other.  They are all the effects of each other. And guess what!  They all are made worse by sugar and diet.
This is quite honestly overwhelming.  I didn’t realize how much I love sugar.  How dependent on it I am.  Emotionally and physically.  It seems like I can’t overcome this.  Not that I’m going to give up, it’s just each step I make never seems enough.  At some point I am going to have to make some bigger commitments.  I keep wanting to bargain with myself. 

I realized the other day when I was trying to have a “fast” from sugar I suddenly thought about just eating whatever I wanted and it was a desire to really binge and I thought… wow!  Where did that come from?  I’m not really a binger (more a steady streamer).  My heart just breaks for people who live like that and are constantly struggling with binging food.  It also scared me because I certainly don’t want to be in a position where I enter another problem with food.  That’s just what I need.

So, just sharing what this journey is like.  I found a website about a woman’s plan for removing candida and she said something encouraging.  About how she felt deprived for the first 6 months but is now feeling joyful and alive.  The problem is looking past the step I’m on.  I am a researcher, but when I research the people all say that you practically have to give up every food I eat, that even peanuts aren’t good for you or broccoli if it hasn’t been grown properly and it all just freaks me out and I think – I’m just not willing to live that way.

Yes, you hear growing hysteria in that last sentence.  So I come back and focus on today and this hour and what step I’m on.  What can I do now?

It’s not just a journey…it’s a battle.


Mrs. Brewer said...

I had this same issue of what to eat and when to eat and how it would effect me. I made a major life change on what to eat to deal with migraine. It started with a couple of books and a lot of label reading. Nitrates, sodium, processed foods, certain types of cheese, alcohol, CHOCOLATE, coffee, and more. It didn't happen over night. Now with the help of a nutritionist I'm working on more ways to improve my migraine diet. Again, it won't change over night.

I have faith in you. You have done some major life changes so far. Don't give up on what you have already done. In your war... you've already won some battles. Don't try to solve all the health issues in one day. They take time as you well know. Our Kaci will help you too. We are there for your support. Take it one day at a time.

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