Women have a special relationship with chocolate.

There is the desire to eat chocolate, which is an ongoing state.
Then there is the don't even think about touching my chocolate because I'm going to eat all of that state of being which is experienced less frequently.

I recently experienced that latter.  All I could think about was chocolate.  What I really wanted was Hot Fudge Cake a'la Bob's Big Boy (which I learned today actually closed, so I will need to wear black and go into mourning).  There were no Bob's near us.

I ventured into the IE (Inland Empire) on Friday with a friend to attend a home Bible study (which was actually pretty good).  After, I just had to satisfy my desire for chocolate.  We drove around for an appropriate location.  Got excited about a Dairy Queen (that is shown on a map but also shows as permanently closed -- um, why even list it if it no longer exists?).  Considered Cheesecake Factory then landed at a Carrows; but had to leave before even making it to the front door after watching a police helicoptor hover overhead with it's spotlight going and hearing them from the speakers say "If you cooperate, no one will get hurt."  My friend Sher walked straight back to the car and yelled for me to open the doors and get going so we could head back to the safety of the OC.

We finally landed at the Elephant Bar.  Restaurant closed, bar open.

I'm not really a bar person.  I tried to be cool and sit there with the music blasting and act like it was all ok and I could still have a conversation, but I couldn't pull it off.  Before we even ordered, I asked to leave.  I now understand why I like Denny's for a cup of coffee and a chat.  It's consistently reasonably quiet. 

Sher talked the hostess into finding us a spot in the restaurant despite it being closed.  We split lettuc wraps and a huge ice cream sandwich with a side of hot fudge.  It was so good.  Honestly looking back, they could have brought me a ramikin of hot fudge and some whipped cream and I'd have been perfectly happy. 

I ate half the dessert.

I felt like I was going to throw up.  I went to the loo just in case I did.

I drank some water and tried to get through the sugar bomb I just put in my body.  I was talking with my health guru (Hi Kaci) today about he experience.  Initially I said that this experience was a new one for me, but upon further reflection, I wonder how often I've experienced it and just didn't consider that what I'd eaten made me feel bad.

I'm currently a little stuck on the fence of this life change.

My habbit of eating irregularly and poorly is still very much engrained in me.  I've done this poor behavior for so long I don't even realize I'm doing it.  I know a little now and am more aware that what I'm eating isn't good for me -- or rather is good for me since I'm making better choices most days.  The idea that I still "need" sugar feels almost like brainwashing.  Trying to learn how to live without it -- to realize I do not need it and that at this point, I honestly don't want it in the same way - is going to take some emotional work now.

Why do I want the sugar?
What is going on when I want the sugar?
How am I feeling when i want the sugar?

These are the questions I'll be exploring over the next few weeks.

My goal for the next 2 weeks is this:
Eat breakfast!
Find something new to drink (other than the water I've been pounding) because water is getting boring.  I need something with some taste after lunch.  I'm thinking I'll go with iced tea (without sugar God help me; no really, God please help me)!

And perhaps the next time I get into a 'give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt' mood, I'll have a cup of hot coco instead and drink it really slowly.